Fearlessly Pursuing Life

Interesting name of a blog I chose back when I was young(er) and adventurous, and most of all, naïve. I still am naïve. But at least I know it now.  There's nothing fearless about my pursuit of life right now. Does this happen when you have responsibilities and commitments? Or is this a fundamental shift in my personality? Fearful of losing my job. Fearful (arguably more so) of losing my hair. Fearful of having a child. Fearful of life without a child. Fearful of not taking my chance. Fearful of taking the risk. And fucking fearful of what people think of me. 

So, about 6 months ago my husband and I had sex, no birth control. Radical idea for anyone who believed growing up that if you look the wrong way you'll get pregnant.  Kiss a boy? Pregnant. Touch a boy? Definitely pregnant. Sleep with a boy? The thought alone made you pregnant. For the first 35 years of my life, not getting pregnant was one of my top KPIs.  Fast forward to today, and a fair amount of sex later, still not pregnant. Difficulty with conception is way more common than I ever expected. What I never expected? The complete mindfuck of a rollercoaster ride that you go on month-to-month.  Looking back at the first time I have to laugh out loud. I literally felt like an electrical current running through my body that all the things were happening. The millions of sperm were zapping their way right up to the egg and a baby was in the works. Clearly couldn't be further from the truth.  I am fortunate to have a few friends who understand, and to know you're not a...

My sister and I have real conversations. Deep, sometimes dark, real conversations. One of the biggest topics we discuss is whether to procreate. I've always wanted kids. Two or three. Always. Growing up I babysat and thought I'd be a teacher. I love kids. My sister has never been interested in having kids of her own (although I have no doubt she'd spoil mine to no end). She doesn't dislike kids, I think she just doesn't want to have such an obligation. I understand it and appreciate it. The older I get, the more I appreciate it. Although I still want kids of my own, I wonder, would I be doing them a disservice by bringing them into this world? Or would I be doing the world a disservice by not bringing my kids into it? This year has been a tough one. Part of it is the hopelessness that we feel about our national government. With the increase in high-profile suicides this year (Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain) and the seemingly uncontrollable and exponential opioi...

Today I am full on thinking about energy. What you put out there, why you put it out there, what you get back, when you "pivot." Most of life's strongest lessons (for me, at least) come from me not being proud of something I did. Saturday night I had one of these lessons. To get to the point, I was out with my boyfriend and another couple. The other couple had some friends elsewhere in the area so we joined up with them. A couple of the people bought us a round and left. Shortly after we decided to leave. When the bill came, it was outrageous. Between my boyfriend and I, we had 5 beers, and we'd been at the place for about an hour and a half. There were four of us still at the table when the tab came. The guys had headed outside for some air and the four of us were here to split it. One person said it should be $300 with tip, let's split it 6 ways, $50 a person. Fine. I get the slip to sign and it's $155. Everyone has split now and I'm left with $155...

This post is challenging to say the least. But this blog is dedicated to Real Feelings, Real Adventure, and Real Life. I can't think of anything more "real" at the moment. Direct from my mom the day she found out: "Ok. Here's what we know. Radiation starting in two weeks. 4 total sessions within two weeks. Chemotherapy starts in about 4-6 weeks. 1 treatment every 3 weeks for 18 weeks (6 treatments)." "I need some awesome headscarves!!!!!" The overwhelming feeling of zero control was debilitating. Some moments are not really memorable, others are cemented in your memory for eternity. It's now been over three weeks since that message. It has been life altering, but also has brought on a deeper appreciation of the my mom's strength and the bond my family shares. My mom is now halfway through her radiation. By this time next week her radiation will be complete. As she puts it, two nuclear physicists are working on her "woohoo". ...

Are you being judged on how you effectively apply your cosmetics or are you being judged on your competencies in your field? I recently enjoyed reading a New York Times article titled, “Up the Career Ladder, Lipstick in Hand”.   The article notes results from a study that reflect women wearing any makeup at all are seen as more trustworthy, more competent, and more likable than those with bare faces.   It’s not news that more attractive people are generally treated with greater respect, so it really isn’t a surprise that women who make an effort to appear more attractive would garner the same results.   To an extent, a woman wearing makeup is someone who takes good care of herself, and is perceived by others as such.   I work in the financial world and it is immeasurably important to be seen as someone who is trustworthy, respected, and will take care of clients and their assets.   Makeup is a woman’s secret weapon to a little more automatic respect, and if ...