Fearlessly Pursuing Life

 I always considered the choice of whether I wanted to have kids, but never considered that I wouldn't have a choice not to have kids. 

Interesting name of a blog I chose back when I was young(er) and adventurous, and most of all, naïve. I still am naïve. But at least I know it now.  There's nothing fearless about my pursuit of life right now. Does this happen when you have responsibilities and commitments? Or is this a fundamental shift in my personality? Fearful of losing my job. Fearful (arguably more so) of losing my hair. Fearful of having a child. Fearful of life without a child. Fearful of not taking my chance. Fearful of taking the risk. And fucking fearful of what people think of me. 

So, about 6 months ago my husband and I had sex, no birth control. Radical idea for anyone who believed growing up that if you look the wrong way you'll get pregnant.  Kiss a boy? Pregnant. Touch a boy? Definitely pregnant. Sleep with a boy? The thought alone made you pregnant. For the first 35 years of my life, not getting pregnant was one of my top KPIs.  Fast forward to today, and a fair amount of sex later, still not pregnant. Difficulty with conception is way more common than I ever expected. What I never expected? The complete mindfuck of a rollercoaster ride that you go on month-to-month.  Looking back at the first time I have to laugh out loud. I literally felt like an electrical current running through my body that all the things were happening. The millions of sperm were zapping their way right up to the egg and a baby was in the works. Clearly couldn't be further from the truth.  I am fortunate to have a few friends who understand, and to know you're not a...